Wednesday, November 17, 2010

***Keeping my head above water***

Lately I have been so wrapped up in school, bills, cleaning, house projects and EVERYTHING that I am having a hard time being present in the moment for my family. I noticed a few weeks ago my temper has been shorter my voice has been louder and my outlook a lot gloomier. But no matter what I couldn't seem to flip the switch. I was starting to go all, "life sucks" on myself until after a particularly silly- unnecessary row with the handy man in front of the kids (not our best moment) he left with beastie # 4 to right the wrong I had so thoughtlessly laid at his feet and I went in to put the kids to bed myself. When I walked in they were all snuggled up on one bed listening to Kippi read her latest baggie book. They were comforting each other and It dawned on me that's my job... I just kinda stood there and listened in awe and realized no matter what seems to be going wrong in my life I have four beautiful healthy beasts whom I have been given the sacred responsibility to love and nurture and shelter and be there for. It occurred to me I was focusing on all of the preconceived crap life was dishing me and not enough of the real treasures I had right now in this moment.That night I spent extra time reading our bedtime books even though it meant the kids lost some sleep, I apologized for fighting with daddy over something so silly and asked for their forgiveness which they gave unequivocally and with out judgement. I tucked each on in and whispered something to each about why they were special and how grateful I was for something they had done that day. As I shut the door for the first time in many many nights I felt good and clear and sort of happy. My kids went to bed without a single complaint and with smiles as they snuggled into their cozy beds none the worse for wear. Later after a long talk with the Handy Man and some apologies around the table we snuggled up for a late night movie and just enjoyed time together. We shut off the phones, popped some popcorn and we didn't worry about the undone dishes or swapping the laundry. It was Kinda heavenly. As we went to bed that night I thought back over the last few weeks and I had to acknowledge to myself I was sinking. I do that, I sink every now and then especially when I'm pregnant. Life overwhelms me and I get snippy and I quit functioning. This time instead of sinking so far under I was able to to SEE that I need to be there. I need to be present, I need to function for myself and my family, I need to Love and be loved. I'm not going to rosy it up and say that since that night all had been peachy Keen but it's amazing how quickly a frown can turn upside down when I stay calm and use kind words and don't make assumptions. (things most people learn in 3rd grade!) It's amazing how helpful my kids want to be when I praise them often instead of snapping about the things that didn't get done. It's amazing how nice married life can be when My husband has clean laundry and the house is at least sort of clean when he comes home or when I truly listen to him and let him talk instead of dumping all my issues on him every time. It's amazing how I can stay afloat just by by being present in the moment instead of dwelling on everything that has passed and everything to come. So, although my head is above water my goal for right now,this moment is to keep it that way by being here in the now. It's may not seem like much but it's working and that's enough for me RIGHT NOW.


John & Becky Lyn and Family said...

Amen....Sister! I get it totally, you are doing a great job and never forget it!

owona said...

Wow...loved this post! Sometimes life catches up with us (especially when we're pregnant) and it's so much easier to get depressed and overwhelmed, so props to you for choosing to do the opposite! You're an amazing wife, mom, and sister...thanks for being a good example to me! Love ya!