Tuesday, January 4, 2011

the doubts of this mom...


Today I had a Doctors appointment. Rieken and Tiernan came with and it felt like work for me. I don't usually think of my kids as work but today it felt like a job... and one I didn't like very much. I was so tiered and I just didn't feel well. I feel bad about that. I think Tiernen is starting to sense a change in the air or maybe he is just showing his age (2) but he has become a tyrant and a screaming screeching horrible one at that. I'm afraid I don't do well with kids that scream at me I have this massive desire to scream back but I can't their just babies ya know?... Anyhow we are at the office in the bathroom doing the good ole' sample in a cup business and to keep T. from opening the door for all to see I gave him a wipe. Ya know the little towelettes in the bathroom for uh ya know wiping? Well anyhow we finish up flush wash all that jazz and I high tail it outta there and he starts screaming at the top of his lungs. The waiting room wasn't packed which almost made it worse; no other kids to drown him out. So he just throws this massive fit and Rieken bless his heart ignores him and sets off to play. I tried talking to him, I tried snuggling him, I even countingto three which usually produces pretty prompt results with my kids. No such luck. Finally I just sit there holding him upside down because he has thrown himself backwards and I let him scream it out. When he stopped to take a breath I said to him. " what are you screaming about I can't read your mind you have to use your words. I can't fix it or help you if you don't tell me." I was at my whits end and I was just verbalizing my frustration. He stops screaming and looked at me and said, "I dropped my wipe in the bathroom." Are you kidding me it could not be that easy?! I told him I would go get it if he asked nicely which he did and if he apologized to me for screaming at me and throwing a fit which he did so I did, I want back into the bathroom and found his unopened wipe on the floor and gave it back to him. Sometimes I forget he is only two. Sometimes I expect him to talk to me like the big kids and sometimes I am rushing and trying to do too much that I forget to listen when he tries. I knew he was cranky we have all been so sick lately we are just now starting to bounce back and he is taking the longest. His latest bought withfevers and ear infections really wore him out. I knew he wasn't 100% but I forgot and because I didn't focus we all suffered.I feel really bad that I got selfish and cranky and just wanted to close my eyes and go to sleep right there in the doctors office. Anyhow they put us back in a room for an NST it's where the hook you up to a monitor to measure fetal movement, contractions and fetal heart rate. So were back in the room and the belly is out on display and T climbs upon the table right between my legs pops his thumb in his mouth and rests his sweet little face on my belly, monitor goo and all. He almost fell asleep about three times but the baby kept changing spots and the nurse (Grammy Lanai) had to come in and fix it which of course perked him right up each time. Rieken was a doll and I really appreciated his understanding and patience with me and Tiernen and the whole situation. So the point of all this was it occurred to me not for the first time but definitely for the most impactful time that my baby is not going to be the baby anymore and it's going to happen soon. We haven't really prepared him. He is still sleeping with Karl and I. He is still the sole owner of my lap and belly which he loves to lay his face on and snuggle. He is still the one we focus on when all Hell brakes loose because the big kids know better and they know we know it. What is going to happen here in a few days when this new baby moves in and takes over his territory and at the very least his time? I'm feeling the heat the pressure the squeeze. But most of all the stress and the guilt. Did I do him a disservice by snuggling him whenever he needed or letting him sit on my lap whenever he wanted? Did I not spend enough time trying to help him prepare for the new baby by making it more real somehow? But most of all did I not give him enough attention so that when this new little baby comes home with us he would have no doubt that he holds a corner of my heart the same as all of my other kids and nothing and nobody could take that from him?... I know I can love all of my kids, but do they know it and feel it the way I do? Have I somehow forgot to make that clear? How do I fix it how can I assure them all that no matter what goes on no matter if I'm mad or nursing or dealing with someone else their needs are important to me and I am not Not listening I am just taking things one at a time because thats the only way I know how...

2 comments:

owona said...

Ah, Nik...everything will work out in the end and Tiernen will love his new baby brother. You're an amazing mom and I've always looked up to you because you're so good with your kids. They know you love them and only want what's best for them. You're so lucky to have such wonderful kids and they all love you dearly. I love you, too, and even though I don't express it that well sometimes, I am really proud to be your sister. You are an amazing example to me and I really do love you. We are all very anxious and excited to meet your new little one! You still have a week so enjoy it as it is now so you can embrace your new guy with open arms! I love you!! You're doing an amazing job!

The Patriot Poster said...

Ohhh, don't be so hard on yourself! He is only 2 and you have a new baby and 3 other children too. You get an amazing amount done and I know how much you love each of your kids and I am fully confident that they know it too. I'm sure there will be a few bumps but overall, I am sure Tiernen will love being a big brother and now your lap will have more room without a preggo tummy! :) Love you--hope all is well! CMP